This post is mainly going off the topic of my usual posts. I hope for understanding if I use this blog to open up. Please show me respect by not openly criticize me or others. If you have to criticize in any thing I say please do it privately. Thank You.
This week I am preparing a postponed Celebration of Life for my Mother this Saturday. The thing about Memorials, Celebration of Life, or Funerals is that it is still not "politically correct" to talk about the negative aspects of the deceased one. I hope that it never does become "politically correct" to do so.
So, I am using this platform in hope that it helps others that it is okay to openly talk about both the good and bad aspects of a deceased one, especially if it is a family member. I hope that others feel as I do that blogs are a good place to open up about how a deceased one affected their lives. That it can be a safe place for one to express themselves without being condemned for their personal feelings about the deceased one.
My mother was one of those people who was very educated intelligence wise. She was very passionate and very learned in various things. Which she was very generous to share with others. I pick up a lot of these passions and proud of them.
My Mother had some mental issues that cause her ability to keep other peoples boundaries or realize other people opinions are just as good as hers. There were times she showed aggression and had rages.
The effects of these rages on me were mentally verbal then physical. Some of the effects have affected how I deal with others.
One effects I found is that my habit for over compensating and over telling others what I think their problems are. I have been trying to break myself of this habit, since it can affect my ability to deal with hard to deal with people. This especially true with customers.
It was very hard to be around her and did cause me to be tense up even before I would be near her. This is because, I was on guard to make sure that she did not negatively effect me mentally. And even her being dead for two years, I can still feel it in my bowel movements and feel my blood pressure go up when I feel negative thoughts or vibes from others about her.
I feel very blessed that I could be forgiving of her faults, so that I could enjoy the parts that were good. Even thou it was hard work on ones mental state to do it. Because forgiving does not mean that you need to forget. It just helps to come up with personal tools/skills on how to make sure ones is okay, when dealing with a loved one like my mother.
One blessing I have is I have found Arts and Crafts as my way of dealing with stress and way to deal with the efforts mother had on me. This is true especially with crocheting. When I was a teenager and was last of her children who lived with her, it was my drawings. The way I drew it was an escape too another world for me.
Funny thing is the drawings and lot of the things I crocheted her came from dealing how she affected me. Like the Bed Spread that I blogged about in December 2011. I know it was a comfort to her when she was down about how her behavior effected her children. I am glad that it did. Because as a person she deserved to feel loved and be respected even if she had problems.
I feel she was blessed to have Friends and Admirers who knew her and respected her. Especially those who saw her at her worse and could forgive her faults.
I was more disappointed in her then sad when she put and end to her life. To me it was another disappoint in how she did not keep a responsibility to others.
UPDATE: Sunday, October 17th
It went well yesterday. The day began meeting My sister at the local Farmer's Market where we got some Muffins. Then Connie and I stopped at a local Orchard, where we picked up some Cherry Cider. On the spar of moment, we decided that it was the time and place to scatter Mother's ashes in one favorite of her hiking spots in the area.
Which I am glad we did. It just felt right to do it at that time and place. It turned out to be a great relief off me.
Then we were off to the Park Hall to have the Celebration of Life. It turned out to be a very small group, due to the postponement due to Covid. Most of the people there were her friends and admirers. There was even one person who never met her, but was appreciative of her work as a historian of buildings.
Today, I am pretty much recovering from the emotional drain of the day and leading up to it. So, I am taking it easy and letting myself a day before getting back to my daily routine of life.
